Sermon Cloud

 

May 13, 2007 (Mother's Day)

Reforming Sexuality:  Women and Sex

Sam Ford

 

Why sex again? 

For the last three weeks we have been talking about sex, a subject that is a bit taboo in most religious contexts.  If the church and we as individuals refuse to engage in conversation about the questions being raised regarding sexuality, the answers will come from a culture that is separated from its original God-given design. 

 

Ironically, the Bible is not silent about sex.  God uses sexual metaphors to describe the idolatry of this people, he characterizes his relationship with his people as a marriage, himself as a jealous God who is love, and a God who pursues us as a husband pursues his bride.  Then of course, there are the passages that deal with sex directly, godly sex, sinful sex, sex in marriage, sex outside of marriage-there is even a book in the O.T. whose erotic language proves God is not some sexual party-pooper.  So, even though the church is silent, the Bible deals with sex in a powerful way.  It's not, here are a few verse se that mention sex.  It's, here the story of creation, fall, and redemption in the area of sex."

I believe we are here see God redeem people & creation. (Mark 16.15) 

Some might say, we're not called to "redeem creation."  I disagree.  The church has a responsibility. If redemption is the idea of God freeing his people, and his world, from the bonds of slavery to sin, then we are doing that with all aspects of creation.  Our frank and positive discussion about sexuality will result in projecting a God-glorifying alternative-which are in fact the original design for these areas of creation-where the authority of the Lord is re-established and practices are re-aligned under that authority. 

 

We don't like alignment with God's design in many things.

Sin allures us.  Sin tricks us.  Our sinful nature often tempts us to worship the creation and not the creator.  In a committed marriage relationship, this means that sex becomes deformed and relationship is thrown out the window.  For men this means Sex becomes entitlement.  For women this means sex becomes duty.  Both are wrong.  Both need realignment with what God expects of men and women. 

 

So, last week I preached on Men and Sex...

In reality, that sermon was for women to try and give them some insight into HOW men think and what God expects of them.  We spoke of really three things your men need to hear, I respect you, I believe in you, and I want you.  What was hard is that we spoke about UNCONDITIONAL respect-something that women react to because their first thoughts are...but he is not doing this, or he is not like this, or he....I imagine that some of you probably left last week thinking, "This is unfair to do all the work."  I know.  But that is what Jesus did for us.  Praise God that he didn't wait until I was perfect, until I loved him back, until I desired him, until I cleaned myself up, until I stopped sinning...he loved me WHEN I WAS A SINNER (Romans 5.8).  My hope is that you come to a realization that at least one woman did...

 

"I fought my urge to defend myself and prayed that God would open my heart to consider the possibility that it was me, not my husband, who needed to change.  And of course, I immediately realized that was true.  I was frustrated to know that I had behaved this way for five years of our marriage.  But by the end of the book, "I owned it."  And I also realized that if I had the power to destroy my marriage, I now have the power to change and built it up again."

 

Fear not ladies, now, it's the men's turn to be called to task.

Last week when I said, men and women think different, everyone probably rolled their eyes. If asked how men would improve their relationship, MORE SEX, is probably a top 3.  Women, without question, are not the same.  Consider PORN FOR WOMEN.  (Cambridge Women's Pornography Cooperative)

 

I am not going to give you a list of tasks that will turn on your wife. 

In our world, we are so duped into thinking that solutions to problems happen in 30 minutes less, can be purchased for three easy payments of $19.99, or can be discovered by simply googling it.  I'll be honest men, what you are going to hear is probably not going to be pleasant.  They will, by their very nature, grind against your default orientation of how to "do relationships."  Really, none of these things will probably surprise, their not new.  You just need to do them.

 

God is not asking you to.

God is commanding you to love your wife unconditionally.  Just as many women will react and justify their disobedience by YOUR FAILURE to love, YOU will justify your pathetic husbandry and ultimately, your disobedience by HER FAILURE to respect or love. 

 

So, we will begin in the same book that we began with women, Ephesians chapter 5. 

 

Ephesians 5.25-33

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, ²⁶ that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, ²⁷ so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. ²⁸ In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, ³⁰ because we are members of his body. ³¹  "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." ³² This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. ³³ However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

 

Be a husband like Jesus

First, men you are called to love your bride.  That might have not been difficult on the day you married, but I'm guess for a lot of you, things have gotten more difficult.  Loving your wife is not an option.  At times it is going to be more difficult, even painful, but you are commanded by the Word of God to love her. 

 

Second, you are called to a husband like Jesus.  Well, what does that mean?  It means a ton of different things but one thing governs all others.  That is, Jesus loved the church and we see how.  In other words, he loved by ACTION.   Scripturally understood, love is not a sentiment or emotion, but rather a series of actions that transform and change that person.  Doug Wilson calls this type of Biblical love efficacious. In other words, it has an effect. 

 

Your love or lack thereof will have an effect on your bride, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  AND, it will be an effect that the world can see.  If you want to know how good a husband you are, just look at Jesus and how he loved his people. Don't try and play the compare game with culture, or your friends, or even your own family...compare yourself to the husband of husbands. 

1.  Sacrifice your SELF for her Philippians 2.6-7

The first thing we are told Jesus did was give himself up for her-he sacrificed himself for her. We could understand the idea of "sacrifice" in a multiplicity of ways.  You are certainly not going to be crucified on the cross for you wife so the analogy isn't perfect.  But, let's consider exactly what Jesus gave up beyond just his life on the cross.  Consider what Philippians 2 says,

 

⁵ Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, ⁶ who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, ⁷ but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. ⁸ And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

Jesus sacrificed an infinite amount of power, prestige, and glory as he came down to earth and took the form of a servant.  He didn't come as some king in the traditional sense.  He didn't even come to a middle-class family in Rome.  He lived a life of a marginalized peasant in a city with a bad reputation.  And he did it all for YOU and ME.  And he did it all  willingly suffered, and he willfully forgave those who hated him, and he willfully died for those who killed him. 

 

Men don't understand this type of humility on their own.  We are a prideful bunch.  I have sat with many men who say, "I know, I'm prideful", and in the next breath they say, "My wife is so gracious."  But, they never change.  In essence, PRIDE IS SELFISHNESS...MY WAY or the HIGHWAY even though 1Cor 13.5 says that true love does not insist on it's own way.  Eventually that pride leads to the same blame game that our father Adam played with his bride...it's her fault. 

 

Men, you are called to sacrifice for your bride, which means at times sacrificing the:

• Need to right
• Need to be loved/sex
• Need to look good (esp. at her expense)
• Need to be respected
• Need to be the center of all things
• Need to be served
• Need to be believed in
• Need to be wanted
• It's not that these needs are not important...it's that hers are more

You are even called to LOVE your wife, to consider HER NEEDS HIGHER THAN YOUR OWN, even when she treats you poor, when she doesn't love you, when she doesn't respect you.  That's what Jesus did.  If you say you love your wife then you do what Paul says in 1Cor 13.7.  If you don't, then don't call it love-call it sin. ⁷ Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.^[1]

 

2. Love her in such a way that she feels it  1Peter 3.7

It's funny how men and women often think they are "loving" the other but something is lost in translation.  Men don't feel loved although women say "I love him."  And Women don't feel loved although they say, "Of course I love her." 

 

Women need to feel loved.  Men can only love women in the way that they need if they understand what they need.  Men, it is your job to understand how women think differently. 

 

1Peter 3.7

⁷ Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

 

First understand how she thinks:  The female brain is not a normal instrument. Women juggle multiple thoughts and feelings at the same time.  Half of all women have stored thoughts and feelings from the past that regularly pop up into active mode whether they want them to or not.  Women seem consistently unable to close these windows as easily as men can. Men have visual archives that continue to pop up even when unwanted.  This pales in comparison to the women's pop up brain who remembers every word, tone, experience, etc. 

 

That's why women often bring up something that happened two years ago; have a sudden flare up of emotion attached to a memory; stung by unexpected heat that turns a conversation into an argument; get hurt by something seemingly outside of the moment's mood or context.  "The best a woman can do is minimize the window, not close it." 

 

For men, when things get overwhelming...sex is the answer.  They will just compartmentalize any pain, stress, or whatever and be in someway ministered to through sex.  It doesn't work like that for women.  They carry so much around in their heads, they need to get it out before they can feel like sex. 

 

Because men are designed to be "task oriented", when they see their wife "hurting" they simply want to do whatever is logical to solve this illogical problem.  It is made even worse when they husband wants to have sex because now he has two tasks to complete and usually the first of making them "feel better" is simply a speed bump to what he really wants.  In other words, he probably says some really dumb things to make the situation altogether worse.

 

She doesn't want you to fix it; she wants you to listen:  When she is sharing an emotional problem, her feelings and her desire to be heard are much more important than the problem itself.  No matter how many solutions you offer, they will more often than not ALL be viewed as negatives. 

 

Men need to learn how to communicate, how to listen, how to be patient, not just CUT THROUGH THE CLUTTER to the real issue..."the clutter is the issue."  (FMO). "Those two to three minutes were in incredibly good investment if they still make her feel loved a year later.

 

 

IF you do not provide the emotional intimacy...someone else will

 

 

3. Provide her security not just money.  SS 2.16, 6.3, 7.10

Right now, a lot of men are saying, YES, a TASK, I can accomplish this.  Perhaps it goes without saying that WOMEN WANT SECURITY.  But have you ever considered what kind of security is MOST important to her?

 

Providing food, shelter, and clothing for your wife are important.  I just don't know if they are the most important.  Assuming YOU THINK your wife wants you to provide a "nice" home and security-have you considered what you have to sacrifice any relationship in order to make that happens? 

 

Security for men and security for women are, in many cases, two different things.  When is wife claims he loves his job more than her, his immediate thought is, "Isn't my work proving to her how much I love her?"  THAT isn't what she is hearing or seeing. Consider that:

• "70% of married women would prefer to be financially insecure than endure a lack of closeness with their husbands."

 

Am I providing the type of security she genuinely wants and needs?  I learn so much from our kids. I love to spend time with them, laugh with them, see them learn and grow.  I often hear parents talking about how hard they work so that they can provide their kid with XYZ-car, college education, house, etc.  Then I wonder how much the kids really even care about that.  Do they really notice when Dad gets a new car or we buy a bigger house...or do they notice that Dad is gone all the time working to pay for this stuff.  What will they remember?  How stressed out wil they see me?  We just want happy Dad back. I'm convinced it is the same with our wives.

 

To make things worse, even if your relationship is great, your mate likely has a fundamental insecurity about your love-and when that insecurity is triggered, she may respond in ways that confuse or dismay you until she feels reassured

 

In other words, your ‘I DO' actually didn't bring permanent emotional closure and put her mind at rest about your feelings for her forever."  You might say, SHE KNOWS I LOVE HER...does she? 

•  "7 of 10 women said their relationship and how their man felt about them was anywhere from "occasionally" to nearly always on their mind."

 

We have all the right in the world to THINK that our wives shouldn't feel insecure, but just because we think our wife should feel secure doesn't mean she does. LOGIC will not go very far in convincing her to feel secure only ACTION will.

• a. Do you reassure her of your love?
• b. Do you pursue her?

 

I want my wife to say the following...with confidence. Song of Solomon...

2.16 My beloved is mine, and I am his;

•6.3  I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine

7.10  I am my beloved's, and his desire is for me

 

 

4.  Affirm her beauty, do not assume it.  Song of Songs 4.1-7

I have two sons and one little girl.  The boys are boys.  They hit, they fight, they want  Dad's approval for doing the most daring of feats-jumping off of couches or swinging a stick in the most ninja of ways.  My daughter is different.  She desires a different sort of approval, especially from Dad.  She wants to know that her Daddy thinks she is beautiful.  She wants to know that you have that special place in your heart for her.  You are "Daddy."  You'll hear that cry when she puts on a new little cute hat or just gives you that cute little smile.  The boys want to know that Dad thinks their manly.  She wants to know that her Dad thinks she is pretty. 

 

Your bride has never outgrown that desire. "Would it surprise you to know that your gifted, hardworking, secure, grown -up wife is still silently asking the same question, "DO YOU THINK I'M PRETTY."  Your bride is constantly wondering whether she is beautiful, not necessarily to the world, but to her man.  In the Romance stage communicating this is part of the man's task of winning the girl!  But once the girls is won...what happens?  Then bring children into the equation, the desire to know they are still beautiful becomes even stronger.

 

Even if a woman knows in her head that her husbands finds her beautiful, she still needs to hear it.  There isn't a number, there isn't a way, there is just the fact of whether you say it or not.  DOES IT HAVE AN EFFECT? 

 

Sometimes damage has been done.  Just as you as a husband will either reflect TRUTH about what God is like as a husband, so HER FATHER, reflected what is true or false about the true Father.  Some succeeded, most failed.  Those daughters are now your bride.  Inside my dear wife, that little girl who wants to know that the ONE MAN in their life finds them beautiful.  In our marriage, whether I find her beautiful may or may not be the foremost in my mind, but it is an everyday issue for her.  "In our house there is really only one mirror.  And that mirror is me." 

If I choose to not reflect the words and affirmation she needs to hear (just like men) then she hears culture and plays the compare game with whatever she deems as imperfect.  She is now vulnerable because you didn't protect her. 

• What if you don't affirm her beauty and someone else does?
• What if you affirm someone else? (Men are visual)
•  Is your passion for your wife still obvious to everyone?  Is it obvious to her? 
• Ask her a question, DO YOU FEEL LIKE A MOTHER OR A WIFE?

How do you do that?  The Art of exaggeration = Song of Songs 4.1-7

 

5.  Study her, learn about her, then lead her.

Learn how to touch your wife's heart and mind.  You want her to WANT to respect you and BELIEVE in you and WANT you, then you must learn how to love her.  Whether you've been married 1,5, or 25 years, be a STUDENT of your wife.  Watch her.  Study her.  And let her know that you are studying her.   

 

Learn her unique desires: Words, Acts, Gifts, Touch? (food, jewelry, clothes, places to visit, hobbies, etc.)

Learn her unique needs: How is she faring in her theological knowledge, spiritual walk, children, in-laws, job, what are her fears, her hopes, her needs, her disappointments, her temptations. 

Learn what lights her fire:  Phone calls, date night, notes, emails, letters, music, suprises, getaways,

Learn about Sex?  Set some realistic expectations and realize that "some meals are steak, some are macaroni and cheese."  (D.Wilson)

 

We assume we have the same sexual wiring.  "If sex is free and it's fun, why does she not want lots of free fun?"   While you want to be desired by your wife, her level of desire for sex has likely nothing to do with your desirability.

 

• She has a lower sex drive- fact-that we forget. This is not NO craving it is just less.
• 1. lower sex drive = less craving
• 2. lower sex drive = less initiation
• 3. lower sex drive = more susceptible to non-sex distractions

 

• She needs more time to warm up (men are microwaves, women are old ovens)

 

• Your body, no matter how much of a stud you are, does not by itself turn on her body. She may find you attractive but she will still not lust over your body.

• Sex starts in the heart

 

• She wants to pleasure as much as you do-and if it's not happening, she may be reluctant. Some wives don't experience pleasure when they are intimate with their husbands.

 

 

Conclusion

 

Ephesians 5.25-33

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, ²⁶ that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, ²⁷ so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. ²⁸ In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, ³⁰ because we are members of his body. ³¹  "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." ³² This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. ³³ However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

 

That's the gospel in marriage.  Loving someone sacrificially in the way the way they need to be loved, with an effect that everyone can see, especially when they don't deserve it.

 

Love your wife like Jesus loved and loves you.  Set her apart, cleans her daily with truth, nourish her soul, let her know you cherish her, then stand before God and say here is your daughter whom I love. 

Works Cited

Reforming Marriage by Doug Wilson

John Piper and Justin Taylor: Sex and the Supremacy of Christ.
Crossway Books, Wheaton, IL. 2005

Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn For Men Only.
Multonomah Publishers, Sisters, OR. 2006.

Shaunti Feldhahn For Women Only.
Multonomah Publishers, Sisters, OR. 2004.
 

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^[1] The Holy Bible : English Standard Version. Wheaton : Standard Bible Society, 2001, S. 1 Co 13:6