Sermon Cloud

INTRODUCTION

As has been the case for the last several weeks, we will undoubtedly irritate some of you as we present a case that is almost never, or at best rarely, discussed from behind the pulpit for a variety of fears, of which the pastor is unwilling to place his neck on the chopping block.

Because this topic is so misunderstood or ignored, what I say to you today may seem totally and completely foreign. I very well may look like the evil three-headed monster after this message and the lies you have swallowed hook, line, and sinker may appear to be more correct or at very least most natural.

I know that the only way this information will make sense to you is if the Spirit of God, who leads us into all truth, teaches you these things as He confirms for you the truths of what we are about to discuss.

REVIEW

Over the last several weeks we have discussed the biblical view of femininity, biblical wives, and last week we looked at biblical husbands.

This leads us naturally to ask the question, “How do I find one?” The answer to your first question is to become one in order to find one. My desire is not to play matchmaker as much as it is to teach you what to do when you finally find someone.

With that said, my first proposition is this:

Dating is not the biblical model and trains you for divorce rather than teaches you about the covenant of a lifelong marriage.

I want to ask that you hear my case in total before you shut down, and I pray that you allow me the courtesy of demonstrating from Scripture what the Scriptural model of courtship is rather than dating.

My desire is to provoke you to thought. I am not trying to be controversial, or trying to gain your approval. This is what I get paid to do, to bring you truth where there may be error by seeking God’s Word to give us wisdom and insight into these practical matters.

STUDY

Secular Dating vs. Biblical Courtship

If there is one specific area that many Christians have blindly and willingly accepted secular practices, it would be in the area of dating. Pastors have dropped the teaching of biblical courtship and the church has instead adopted recreational dating which has had a horrendous influence on churches, families and society in whole.

The Dating Game

Let’s begin with definitions so we don’t get confused.

a. Dating is a relationship without oversight (i.e. father/elder) and uncertain end goals.

b. Courtship is a relationship with oversight with a clear end goal of marriage.

c. Marriage is one man and one woman in a sexually consummated enduring covenant for a lifetime.

What is dating?

By the word dating we are referring to the twentieth century movement known as recreational dating. It works something like this: A boy meets a girl, decides that she is pleasing in some sense (e.g., great smile, nice body, nice sounding voice, attractive friends, sweet attitude, nice job, etc.) and then asks her to go out on a date. If she accepts, the boy will pick her up at a certain time and then (if he’s lucky enough to have some dollars) will take her out to dinner, and/or to a movie. In many cases he’ll try and find a way to get her alone in the car or alone at his apartment or alone in a park or alone anywhere that he can make his move.

In today's culture "nice girls" won’t allow sexual activity until the second, third or fourth date.

In modern America, dating among high school and college students frequently involves alcohol and sex. It is the norm, and if you don’t follow that norm then surely something must be wrong with you.

If a boy and girl date for an extended period of time and agree not to date other people then they are "going out." Going out is in many ways an immature and childish imitation of marriage. Think about it: the boy often even gives the girl a ring or necklace, he says things like, “you and me forever,” or, “I’ll always love you” blah, blah, blah.

The problem is that it doesn’t have the protection and commitment of a marriage covenant and so it’s arbitrary and fleeting. It’s sentimental love, it’s a sentimental form of marriage that is based upon selfish intentions and desires.

Boys and girls who "go out" almost always become involved romantically, almost always emotionally, and almost always sexually.

Then when the boy or girl gets bored with the relationship, or gets caught cheating or simply decides that someone else is more desirable, the relationship is ended. They now have fallen “out of love” like they have fallen off the back of a truck.

Breaking up often involves tears, anger, and has a variety of negative emotional consequences. And after a string of failed relationships young men and women become serial monogamists who develop great skill in breaking up and ultimately end up hard-hearted and distrustful of relationships in general, overly insecure and overly jealous of one another, or just plain bitter and cynical about the idea of a lasting relationships.

Recreational dating lends itself to a high rate of broken homes that end in divorce because the married couple becomes accustomed to disappointment and heartache, and are used to breaking up. They are now skilled at it, and have even perfected the art of finding someone on the side so they don’t end up alone before they dump the one they’re with.

It completely trivializes intimacy and supports the idea that men and women are playthings that can be tossed aside at will. In our culture, the person that one marries is simply the last person in a string of relationships that involved emotional and sexual "commitments" that have already been promised and broken. It’s like musical chairs, once the music stops you sit down and get married to whomever you land on.

Marriage is then viewed as nothing more than a romantic add-on that has no more significance than the piece of paper it’s printed on. Recreational dating creates a host of negative consequences. The special and sacred nature of the marriage covenant has been lost. It has been tossed aside for the foolish and sinful pleasures of our secular dating system.

Many Christians, through ignorance, bad teaching and syncretism with culture are involved in the dating system and they slap the label of “Christian” on it so that it can be called “Christian dating.”

It shouldn’t surprise you that the rates of sexual immorality among Christian college students are almost identical to pagan college students. Additionally, the rate of adultery and divorce among professing Christians is now higher than the general population.

The dating model has been a total disaster for American Christians.

The reason that recreational dating has had such negative ethical and social consequences for Christians is that it contradicts many biblical principles. In fact, the modern dating model is not at all based on the Bible, but is based on a post-Christian, secular culture.

For at least 3,500 years up to the 19^th century, most men and women were brought together and prepared for marriage through a father-controlled process called courtship. By 1930’s a cultural shift occurred by which the parents abdicated their role and dating and sexual activity became the norm.

The reasons for this shift are many:

Industrialization: Many young men and women moved from small agricultural towns to large cities to work in mills, in factories and in offices. This caused them to be taken from their parents and small towns where they were held accountable to a city where no one cared what they did behind closed doors.

Culture/Movies: promoted an unbiblical concept of romance and sexuality.

Automobiles: provided couples with a weather proof, private, climate controlled, couch on wheels which could quickly be out of the eyes and ears of their parents.

The main reason, however, for the shift from courtship to dating was that most churches stopped preaching the whole counsel of God (e.g., the Gospel, biblical roles, marriage, covenant headship, etc.)

As a result, fathers abdicated their biblical responsibility to oversee the relationships of their children and guard them from unwise secular practices, from acting foolishly and committing evil.

Job shows us the heart of a godly father:

Job 1:5: “When a period of feasting had run its course, Job would send and have them purified. Early in the morning he would sacrifice a burnt offering for each of them, thinking, ‘Perhaps my children have sinned and cursed God in their hearts.’ This was Job's regular custom.”

How many fathers have this heart today? Not many…

Now that we understand some of the history behind the model of recreational dating, let’s look at why it is unbiblical:

1. It is unbiblical because it places Christians under unreasonable temptations and often leads to unmarried sexual relationships.

If you are dating someone that is attracted to you and that you are attracted to, and you are in a pleasure-driven dating relationship, the sexual temptation for a Christian is unreasonable and will likely lead to sexual sin.

The Bible teaches us in 1 Co. 6:18 to, “Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. 19 Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? 20 For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's.”

Why?

1 Thessalonians 4:3-7 is the answer: “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; 4 that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, 5 not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God; 6 that no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also forewarned you and testified. 7 For God did not call us to uncleanness, but in holiness. 8 Therefore he who rejects this does not reject man, but God, who has also given us His Holy Spirit.”

Some of you men would never let your daughter or your sister enter into this kind of unbiblical sexual relationship, but you convince yourself that your behavior is somehow acceptable since you’re single. That is not wisdom speaking, it’s testosterone!

You ignore the fact that you are touching someone else’s future wife, while at the same time expecting your own future wife to play by the rules. And, you will most definitely not allow your daughter to act in this way.

You are not only messing around with a daughter of a father, a future wife of a husband, and a future mother of children, you are messing around with your sister in Christ and ultimately God’s daughter.

How do you think I would handle you behaving this way with my little girl? Now multiply that by infinity and you still will have only a glimpse of how God feels about you touching His little girl.

Let’s consider this passage in 1 Timothy 5:2: “(treat)…older women as mothers, younger as sisters, with all purity.”

Until you are in a marriage covenant, that is your sister, you are her brother and have no business treating her like some sexual pleasure object for your own sick lusts. You are to treat her as a sister with all purity!

What are you allowed to get away with in your courting relationship? Well, what do you do with your sister? Unless you have a very sick family, most likely you will not be doing very much. A hug, a kiss on the cheek, etc., is about all I do with my sisters. Do you make-out with your sister? Then why do you think it’s okay to commit spiritual incest with your sister in Christ?

Why? Because Jesus warns us in Mark 9:42: "But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea.”

Don’t be the cause of one of His to stumble, whether you are male or female. How protective is Jesus of His own? Very!

Proverbs 6:27-28 asks a couple of good questions: “Can a man take fire to his bosom, And his clothes not be burned? 28 Can one walk on hot coals, And his feet not be seared?”

Let me put it to you another way, can you take a log from a fire and place it in your lap and not burn yourself? No, you can’t.

Any form of sexual intimacy before marriage, and this includes the “every thing but sex” camp, is forbidden. If you pursue these things in your relationship you are willfully disobeying God’s Word and heaping hot coals on yourself.

The key is to keep yourself from situations where you know you are weak and that are simply foolish to be in. As an alcoholic shouldn’t go to a bar for peanuts, or someone dieting shouldn’t go to Baskin and Robbins for a glass of water. Wisdom would dictate that if you are human, and built with the God-made desire for sexual pleasure, you shouldn’t place yourself in a position where that desire is increased outside of the boundaries given to us in Scripture.

James 1:14-15 tells us: “But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. 15 Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death.”

And the word “drawn away” in the Greek means to actually be dragged.

We are to “Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.” (2 Timothy 2:22).

2. In dating, Christians are trained to confuse lust and strong emotions with genuine biblical love.

When a young Christian man takes out a young woman and creates a condition for her to lust and sin, he is not expressing biblical love. True love obeys God’s Word. “Love does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-6)

The Scripture even tells us in 2 John 6: “This is love, that we walk according to His commandments.”

3. In dating you are trained to take the covenant of marriage lightly.

In the dating game, the goal of the relationship is first personal pleasure; second, developing romantic feelings and emotions; and third, making some sort of empty commitment like “going out” or being “exclusive.” Engagement is an unknown and distant-future thing that can be worked out after the pleasure-seeking and romantic feelings will be proven to last. If not, no problem, just break up. No legal issues, no guilt, no social consequences, just dump them if you fall out of love.

That model is totally inverted to God’s way. God’s way would first be with a goal in mind: marriage. Then after there is a commitment to move in that direction you will develop strong emotions that are not sentimental but legitimate. And lastly, after that commitment finds its way to a marriage covenant, then and only then can pleasure have its beautiful and legitimate place.

The sexual union of man and woman is only to be after the covenant is established. It is then consummated with the two becoming one flesh.

Because Christians don’t pursue this model, they end up with five, 10, 15, or even 20 “serious” relationships before they get married.

It’s not test driving a car before you buy it, it’s wrecking several cars before you get your license.

Plus, it trains you to have a selfish, self-fulfilling, pleasure-oriented concept of marriage instead of a God-centered, kingdom-minded, service-oriented concept of marriage. Also, it trains you to get used to dumping someone when it doesn’t work out. Sexual boredom, lack of emotional highs, putting on some weight, hair falling off your head and growing out of your ears, are all petty reasons that you learn to have multiple, mini-divorces along the way and when you get married, divorce is an easy, natural out for you.

Divorce is not the answer to a bad marriage, pursuing the right godly spouse and courting them with respect, loving them selflessly, and marrying them under the covenant God has established is the answer. Don’t seek for a cure after the disease; take preventative measures so you aren’t married to a disease.

4. The main reason that Christians should reject the secular dating model is that it violates the biblical teaching of covenant headship.

The Bible teaches us again and again and again, that the parents (specifically the father) have the responsibility of guarding and preserving a young woman’s virginity until she is married. The Bible also teaches us that the father has responsibility to exercise oversight in finding or approving a suitable Christian mate for a son or daughter. The dating system leaves both of these responsibilities in the hands of the son or daughter alone.

Does this mean that the son and daughter have no say? No. It means that the biblical responsibility falls onto the shoulders of the father since he is the covenant head of the home.

Ladies, what last name do you have? It is your father’s last name. What last name will you have when you get married? It will be your husband’s last name.

Let me ask you a question…who is better at discerning the character of an attractive girl, an 18-year-old boy or a 40-year-old godly mother? The mother of course. Who is better at discerning the character of an attractive young man, a 16-year-old girl or a 40-year-old father? The father! He knows players because he was probably one at one point himself. Dads know all the moves and are better at discerning these matters than are the children. The players may have changed, the game remains the same.

This idea is so foreign to Christians that it not only offends those that want to date, it offends the mothers and particularly the fathers that have fallen asleep at the wheel in watching over and loving their children. It’s offensive because we haven’t been doing it for 60-70 years in our culture. It seems too old-fashioned, too outdated, and too time consuming and difficult because we love darkness rather than light.

In the very first marriage, God the Creator and Father of Adam and Eve “brought her to the man.” God gave Eve to Adam and set the pattern for what we are to follow as His human representatives and human fathers for our children. We are to reflect God’s nature since we have been created in His image.

Turn with me to Numbers 30:3-5: "Or if a woman makes a vow to the LORD, and binds herself by some agreement while in her father's house in her youth, 4 and her father hears her vow and the agreement by which she has bound herself, and her father holds his peace, then all her vows shall stand, and every agreement with which she has bound herself shall stand. 5 But if her father overrules her on the day that he hears, then none of her vows nor her agreements by which she has bound herself shall stand; and the LORD will release her, because her father overruled her.”

Unmarried girls living at home are subject to their father’s authority even in the area of vows or religious obligations. Does this sound insane? Only if you didn’t have a godly father that loved you and gave himself to your care and teaching of the things of God. Then it is insane because you have never experienced that kind of godly, fatherly love. If your father were the kind of man that pursued God in his life and loved you with the love that comes from God, and cared for you and taught you the things of God, this idea would be welcomed.

Basic Principles of Courtship

1. Courtship should not begin until a son or daughter is ready and expresses a desire to get married.

Is a 14-year-old girl ready for courtship? Probably not. Is a 15-year-old boy? Nope. Fathers need to prepare their children for courtship and teach them what God would have for them in a covenant relationship. Until a young man or woman is prepared for marriage, they should not even consider courtship.

How will you know they are ready? If you’re a responsible, godly parent, you’ll know. If they are selfish, self-serving, only show an interest in their own pleasure and have no concern for others first, they’re not ready. If they don’t know God’s Word, have no interest in praying to God, are not taking on for themselves the role they will play (for men: leading spiritually, preparing financially, growing in maturity, demonstrating a love for his mom and for other Christian sisters; for women: helping others, preparing spiritually, preparing to take on the role of the ministry of the home, respecting her father and other Christian men), then they are not ready. It’s that simple. I know it sounds like a tall order, but if it’s not being done, why would you think a relationship will fix it?

2. Parents must only consider like-minded Christians as potential mates for a son or a daughter.

If the person you or your children are interested in is not Christian, or professes to be Christian but doesn’t demonstrate a deep love for Christ, then they should be encouraged to grow in Christ before even discussing the subject.

Here is the beauty: a godly man is in no rush to get married because he realizes his responsibility and desires to please God and honor his wife, so he prepares for her.

An ungodly boy or girl, will almost always want to rush into dating or courtship because they are too immature to see their own faults, and too driven by sentimental love or lust so that they are not prepared and willing to sacrifice by waiting for the right man or woman that God would have for them.

3. Biblical courtship involves the covenant protection of a child by the father and parents.

A girl that will not accept her father’s godly, biblical instruction and refuses to honor his role will undoubtedly do the same to her husband. Her pattern begins early and is difficult to get rid of. It is also usually a sign of spiritual immaturity since she relates to God in much the same way.

A young man who is not willing to heed his father’s instruction is, according to Proverbs, “a fool.” And his folly will be shown by the decisions he makes, and the wise counsel he refuses.

4. In biblical courtship a man must recognize the authority of a prospective woman's father by approaching him and asking his permission to court his daughter (Gen. 2:22; 24:50-51; 29:19-20; Ex. 22:16, 17; 1 Cor. 7:36-38).

Almost every occasion where a man disrespects the father’s authority, it shows his immaturity and disrespect towards God. If he can’t even show cordial respect to a human father whom he can see, how will he honor and respect a spiritual Father whom he can’t see?

A mature young man will always come to the father and ask the father’s permission to marry. Does this mean that if the father is not Christian you shouldn’t worry about it? No! Even if the father is totally disinterested you are still to ensure your hands are clean and demonstrate you honor her. One day, he may be your father-in-law and your witness now will have an impact later.

What if the father is not around? Go to the elders of the church and ask. It’s simple, they will take on the responsibility of the father as they care for her soul and watch over her as an under-shepherd.

Does this sound insane? Only if the elders are not doing their job. If they are, it is a blessing to seek their approval and to ask for their oversight.

Remember:

The goal of courtship is to end in marriage. Every decision should be based upon that factor. If not, then we are trying to reap the benefits of God’s protection and blessings on our relationship without seeking His wisdom. We can’t shortcut the process and expect God’s favor.

I pray as you look at your past and current relationships, you begin to confess to God the areas in which you have failed and ask for His forgiveness and ask that He would give you the strength and courage to follow Him into being the kind of godly woman or man that He has designed you to be.