Sermon Cloud

April 27, 2008

Healing of Broken Relationships

“We know what a person thinks not when he tells us what he thinks but by his actions.”  Isaac Singer, Polish born American writer, 1904-1991.

“ . . . Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. “  John 15.4

Let us pray . . . . . .

We’re going to look at hard to heal relationships this morning.

I’d define a hard to heal relationship as one which in our experience either was or is very difficult to heal. 

There is a deep gulf of separation; perhaps at this point a lack of desire to heal it – there is probably avoidance to heal it or after multiple tries it’s still broken and it seems unlikely it will ever be healed.

In fact this relationship my be off your radar screen of care or concern – it’s been relegated to something you’d rather not think about – but still hurts when something brings it to your attention.

So, these relationships are not impossible to heal but for the most part the circumstances can not change, and the likelihood is small but God who is bigger than the problem can make it whole.

We have two testimonies this morning that help frame this issue for us . . . lets listen.

TESTIMONIES 

I currently have two hard to heal relationships in my life that go back over 17 years ago.

That may not surprise some of you – then again it may.  Some may simply place this revelation into the category of ‘normal’ – everybody has these failures in their life.

Or you may think ‘so-what?’ – thank God he’s human after all!

Some of us may think this is a grave problem for me.

You see, in my hard to heal relationships I see nothing I can do about them – that doesn’t make it any better – it just is what it is. 

Distance and time may seem to make action impossible or even unnecessary; it also seems to mask or heal the brokenness – truth is I know its still there.

I see no way to change the persons involved – nor has God led me to changes in attitude or perception (maybe that’s pride, I don’t know). 

I do know that only God can change hearts and attitudes, and thus far He hasn’t.

Through His Grace and good will maybe one day these hard to heal relationships can be reconciled.

I’m going to do my best to teach on a topic in which I myself have brokenness in and struggle with?   

Well – obviously I can’t give you three quick steps to heal difficult, broken relationships!

I can’t try to convince you it’s easy and foolproof if you just do one, two , three and presto-change-o your previously hard to heal relationship is instantly a healthy, healed relationship!

Nor can I stand here and tell you that I’ve worked through every hard to heal relationship and therefore you can to!  I’ve just admitted to two of them.

And I would not intentionally try to mislead you.

Why did I start off this way? Because we all know what its like to have a hard to heal relationship.

It may be a coworker we’ve long ago forgotten about; a family member that we no longer talk to; an ex-friend that you’re still angry at.

It could be marriage gone bad and there’s a lingering animosity; a job that ended ugly.

Sometimes family and church cause the deepest and hardest hurts and we find it seemingly impossible to heal those broken relationships.   

These are people whom we believe have alienated themselves from us through words and actions resulted in what is now a hard to heal relationship. . . . or non-relationship because more than likely the relationship is long done and over.

Can you picture anyone?  Is there more than one?  Maybe their name is burning like acid in your throat right now.

I’m not trying to justify my situation nor yours; nor am I trying to make myself feel better – and I’m certainly not trying to put us all in the same basket of brokenness and say that’s okay, bad stuff happens and you just can’t like everybody.

I am saying that we are facing a painful human reality together – the hardest part is that God says we are to forgive, be in unity, love one another – and we hear these words and might say NOT ME – I’m fine the way things are.

The image of Christ as a vine – the source of fruit bearing nourishment and life itself – who says to us be in me and you will see glorious fruits of living – outside of me you cannot bear fruit – you’ll be barren.

And in response we might cry out, “But the energy and heart ache that it would take to fix some of our relationships would overwhelm us and be a far too high price to pay.”

Of course when it comes to paying a price who would know better than Jesus? 

When even the mention of a name or seeing the person wrenches our guts – it’s very hard to imagine forgiveness and healing of something that is so badly broken.

Battered and beaten on a cross – the Lord says, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

You know what?  God might right now be bring someone to mind that you see them and you can remember some things about them but you may not even remember their name or know how to reach them.  It may have been so long ago.

Many of us have several experiences of relationships that have gone sour and we just walk away from them and make no effort to reconcile them. 

Many of us have tried to reconcile a hard to heal relationship and have found it’s gotten us nowhere but frustrated and more wounded.

So we can come at this is this morning and try to stuff the past in some deep recess of our unconscious or we can cling to our Lord who knows our travails and brokenness as He does our neighbors and seek His Word for guidance.

We as Christ followers can confidently turn to Him to ask for healing and a way past that which is so powerfully painful and hopeless . . . . . and see His possibilities.

You see even the darkest of situations can be changed through Christ.  Even if the change is to give us peace that the hard to heal relationship is in His hands – and the rest is up to Him.

In following Christ there may be a way to develop relationships that are all but break proof; resistant to breaking; ones that are Godly, healthy and lasting!

Is that possible?  In a perfect world YES, in a fallen world NO, but there are things we can do – attitudes we can develop – ways of living and speaking and loving - that make it more of a perfect world then not when we turn to Christ.

Warning: If you realize that you have a history of significant break-ups and have a trail of hard to heal relationships scattered along the plain of your life it’s time to seek a gifted, Christian counselor.

How many hard to heal relationships does it take to qualify as having “a trail of hard to heal relationships”?  Inside you’ll know.  And you’ll know help is necessary.  Go get it.

Listen to these insights from God’s Word:

Hold every thought captive to Christ . . . . The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.  2 Cor. 10.4-5

"Don't you see that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body? But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man 'unclean.' For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.  Mat. 15.17-19

“For, ‘Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech.’”  1 Peter 3.10

“With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness.”  James 3.9

Many of us sit in church on Sunday mornings for an hour and the rest of the time sit with the world and consequently behave as the world does. 

Many of us fill our minds with far too many things of the world: We read the Sun newspaper instead of reading about the Son in the bible; we watch CSI: Miami religiously and other programs filled with crime, murder, and sexually explicit language and scenes.

The ways of the world take its place in our conscious and unconscious minds; we’re drawn to the self and not others; instead of loosing our lives for the sake of Christ we guard it and take offence at any slight we may encounter.

Many of us are easy to TAKE OFFENCE, be offended by what someone says or does an instantly forms mental defense mechanisms including anger, shock, self-pity that results in striking back with words meant to get even.

Famous: The Hatfields of West Virginia and the McCoys of Kentucky feuded from 1888 thru 1891 and in that time 17 persons were murdered.  The cause of the feud has never been determined. Some say it started after Floyd Hatfield stole a razorback hog belonging to Randolph McCoy. Others point to the romance between Johnse Hatfield and Roseanna McCoy.

Many of us are unforgiving – we not only get offended easily but we hold against the other person.  The result is that the resentment builds stronger and larger and eventually the slight becomes a major divide.  Especially if we’re fueling the fire by telling everybody who will listen and take our side!

Most of our relationships are some form of quid pro quo – give and take – philios relationships.

The balance of the relationship is easily tilted.

The hard to heal relationships especially with family and close friends and church are most troubling because they are family, close friends and church!  Words spoken in anger; deception; lies; being letdown or putdown is an unexpected thing to deal with.

When offended most of us have never been taught how to approach the person with candor and calmness or for that matter with a spirit of resolution.  

As a general principle of living we have to take this first step and that is to fill our thoughts with Christ: “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”   Phil. 4.8

To safe guard our most intimate relationships and help them become break-proof we have to place Christ first in our thoughts. We cannot strike back with angry words – or goad the other person.  Sharp language is not the answer.  Because what comes out of us is what we’ve been feeding ourselves with.  If our souls have been fed a steady diet of the world’s food, that’s what will come out of us.

If the peace and Grace of Christ has nurtured us – so that too will come out.  If our “diet” is Christ, His Word, through His Spirit our responses to adversity will reflect that.  If we have a steady diet of the world, then our responses will be defensive, and reactionary.

One popular question is, “Then does that mean we have to let someone abuse us?”  No.  We should never allow that.

Does that mean we should continue to place ourselves in the path of an abusive person? No. That almost seems sick.

Well does that mean we can never stand up for ourselves?  No.  But standing up may mean saying as Jesus did: to ask under what reasoning did the person abuse you? Betrayed? Insulted?

Lasting relationships start with our intentional relationship with Christ and how much we’ve died to self and live for Him.  In other words, how we spiritually feed ourselves and the way we respond to bumps along the relationship road are in correlation to our ‘being in Christ’.

That which we hold dear – Christ – is the foundation of our being and consequently our relationships.  He guides our thoughts, words, emotions, and actions. We then will strive to do what is good and right – expecting nothing in return, and counting the people in the relationships we have as God’s children and gifts to us.

As a result we will strive to be Salt and Light to those we call friend or spouse or relative or co-worker yes even stranger. When we approach others in this way we begin to count them precious in many ways.

Jesus described us as living body that His Father tends to; we are attached to Jesus and as such receive life through Him. He says that He is the true vine . . . we are to Remain in Him, and He will remain in us. He goes on to say that our lives will not bear fruit – be all it was meant to be – if we don’t remain close to Him.  In fact apart from Him we will dry up and die. 

In His own words, John 15.5, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit.”

Lets pray.