Easter IV – Healing of Memories
The Rev W Terry SweeneyMatthew 18:21-35
Jose found it hard to be complimentary; she also was afraid of authority figures. Frank found time and time again that he would get very nervous and agitated around loud people. Akila couldn't remember the last person she really trusted. For some reason Ed disliked his cubicle mate at work – they guy just irritated him.
Jose, Frank, Akila and Ed all have past hurts and memories that result in mistrust, anxiety, depression, and displacement (feelings about one person transferred to someone else). They have past experiences that have ingrained harmful memories that negatively effects them in the present and unless some healing takes place – the future. Maybe some of us here this morning have some hurtful memories that are negatively effecting us today . . . . . so the hope I can offer this morning is that with healing of these negative memories – the future can be lived more whole then you're living today.
Lets pray . . . . . .
All of us have faced the perils of living; not everything has gone as we have wanted; not every relationship has been good, not every job the best, health has failed from time to time. We've had normal life problems, we've been sinned against, perhaps we've been attacked spiritually and yes we have sinned against others. Most of us have been bruised if not broken spiritually maybe physically.
Sometime we have responded to life’s challenges with surrender – believing that God was working out the Good from the Bad; we were hopeful and our faith was resilient. We faced the tough days with trust in God and a Job like spirit. When the ‘bad days’ passed all was well with us – we were relieved that the bad had gone. We came out of that experience perhaps changed for the better – wiser, stronger, deeper faith.
On the other hand, there are challenges that often leave us with open wounds; these are assaults upon our core self: a parent who sexually molests a child; an abusive spouse; a sudden, tragic accident; betrayal by a best friend or spouse. These injuries can leave large, gaping spiritual wounds and a psyche that is confused and unable to process life in a normal way.
The young girl or boy who is locked in a closet overnight because they spilled their milk at the dinner table has been involuntarily broken – their spirit and psyche and body have been severely assaulted.
The young boy or girl whose parents have ridiculed them time and time again and have left them unsure, and unable to cope with uncertainty; afraid they will make a mistake and experience their displeasure. . . . This is involuntary brokenness.
Ralph Morehead sent me an article by Karen Pryor which in part talks about a disease of the mouth that comes from deadly speech. In it she says, “The Sages ask the question: “Which is the more deadly weapon, an arrow or a sword?” An arrow is much worse, for a sword can only kill those within reach, while an arrow can kill those at a distance. For this reason the prophet calls slanderous talk “an arrow shot out” (Jeremiah 9:7) for it can kill over a long distance, just like an arrow.”
Maybe all of us can recall words said to us that felt like arrows piercing our hearts and even deeper to the soul – words that in essence killed us: Someone calling us stupid; being laughed at; being ridiculed. Words and deeds; things done and left undone; these often come from people we know, trust and love – even though it can happen at the hand of a total stranger.
These assaults can come at any age even though they seem most harmful when we're young and still forming. So how might harmful, damaging memories that have branded our spirits and psyche’s and resulted in wounded living get turned around?
The answer is: through the power of the Lord enabling us to forgive. Forgiveness, which includes reconciliation, is the way God has given us to take that which has been broken and make it whole again. Without forgiveness and reconciliation the brokenness will always be there; the wounded living will be like leaven to complicate and dampen our days; we will be held hostage by the power of the offender exercised over us by holding on to the hurt.
So to be set free; to be made whole means forgiveness has been given and as appropriate received.
I’d suggest forgiveness stems from two places: following God’s Commandment to forgive – that’s out of the will. The second place is deeper – its our of our psyche (souls) – its as Rita Bennett would say, “Soul healing” . . . the forgiveness that comes when the psyche (soul) is made whole and as a result we have to ability to forgive even deeper.
Jesus told a powerful parable of the unforgiving servant in response to Peter’s question about how many times he was required to forgive his brother (fellow man). Remember Peters says: As many as seven times? Jesus responded by saying: I do not say to you seven times but seventy times seven!Forgiveness is a must. Forgiveness is an attitude that develops from the emotions and will and from the biblical framework isn’t supposed to be doweled out like pills in a bottle – that once the bottle is empty – that’s it – no more to give. Genuine forgiveness does not stop, dry-up or run out.
In the Lord’s Prayer we’re told to pray: Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against. Seemingly a request made in prayer for the person praying directly to God saying: Treat me like I treat my neighbor. Give me the same degree of forgiveness. It might be the same as saying: Hold a grudge against me as I hold a grudge against someone who has hurt me.
What we loose in earth will be loosed in heaven; what we bind on earth is bound in heaven. An unforgiving attitude (even the inability to forgive ourselves) places us on the judgment seat that is for God only to sit one. It puts us in the presumptive position of acting like God, which is a sin that also needs forgiving. It’s akin to hardness of heart – spiritual blindness – even lack of faith in a righteous and just God.
The literal command to forgive is not optional – it’s not conditioned upon the other person being sorry – it’s not conditioned on anything really – it’s just something that God says we are to do. . . . . How to do that seems to be the issue – especially for those of us who have battled broken memories for years and years. How can those memories that seem to cripple us day after day and year after year finally be healed and forgiven?
I’ll keep going back to this, forgiveness comes from our wills and emotions (hearts) to once for all believe that Jesus can and will work in the details of our lives and literally change our emotions and sooth them. Let me add this: Forgive does not mean forget (even though God says He forgives and forgets our transgressions).
I’d suggest that ‘forgetting’ can mean that the past is not held against us; the past does not raise anger in us or resentment. On more than one occasion I have run into people who have hurt me. In some of those times I have felt a sudden racing of my heart or sudden anger I thought the past forgiven only to find out that it wasn’t. It had been laying in my psyche hidden, still boiling – ready to erupt – it was so hidden I wasn’t conscious of it. So it lay there rotting in my mind. Can this be good for us? Or does it work to our bad?
When resentment comes upon us or when we avoid people or situations where ‘those’ people are present we know that we have not really forgiven them. Our hearts are still rotting away in the anger. We cannot let it lay there and hope it goes away. Something has to be done. We must first and foremost practice forgiveness from our will – Be quick to forgive from the will; say the words, “I forgive you” – replay the incident in your mind and recognize the hurt is small compared to the greater good of unity.
What about stuff that lies unconsciously in us? What about our fears, phobias, neurosis that make us “US” but are not really US at all? The lack of trusting people! The fears and anxiety? The stuff we’ve been carrying around that keeps us crippled?
Not everybody is crippled by the past – not everyone has hurtful memories or have suppressed memories that control them unawares – BUT – some of do. Let me tell you a story.
I was in seminary and enrolled in my first unit of Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) at Wyler Children’s Hospital. I was a typical student: I felt the usual anxiety of seeing so much suffering and death; I found it hard to present cases to my fellow students and sit under their scrutiny; my supervisor was very perceptive and would often home in on my deepest fears and hurts. I both disliked her and admired her as did all the students.
One night I woke up crying – no sobbing – uncontrollably crying - in fact I cried most of the night. Olivia tried to console me as best she could. I think we both thought I had lost his mind. What was happening? A thought came to me that something had erupted in my psyche – some long ago repressed memory that had come back in the dream and was just as painful as when it first happened. As the night went on I came to understand that I had been trying to win the pleasure of my classmates and teacher just as I did with my father. I wanted their approval. I didn’t want to fail in winning their affection. I was scheduled to give a class presentation in the morning about a death of a young boy – I had written the presentation in clever way that hid my feelings – and wanted to impress them with my pastoral skill.
I knew I had to tell them about the dream, my father and my need to be accepted. I did not believe I had ever had my fathers love or acceptance. I believed I always fell short of his approval. I had tried to earn it – but couldn’t. So I grew angry with him, I had no respect for him, and up until a few days before he died I had given up even talking to him. That seemed like the way to do it – just get on with life. So why cry now?
You see, I held many sins against my father. I did not have a forgiving heart toward him. I broke off any relationship with him; even pretended that it didn’t matter if he loved me or not. I certainly did not love him. Why should I even want to?
I shared these thoughts with my classmates, and asked for their forgiveness and acceptance. The entire class, with tears and joy embraced me, prayed for me and asked for God’s healing. What did I do next? We not much until five years later when I was in an advanced training program and realized the pain had not been healed.
My father died when I was twenty-five. He had been dead for several years so how could I forgive a dead person when the hurt was so deep and I couldn’t confront them? I asked God to help me recall every situation in which my father rejected me, ignored me, ridiculed me. And as He did that I wrote how I felt, what I remembered. I wrote over and over again, “Dad, I forgive you and love you.” I then went to the cemetery and sat at his grave and read the letter. Before I started I asked Jesus to be with me, to help me really forgive from my heart and put the past aside. When I was done – when the crying stopped – peace came over me and as I walked to my car I stopped at a trash can and put the letter in. It was finished. I called out to Jesus and called Him Father. I could hear Jesus say that my earthly father was wounded by his father - that he did the best he could – at that God had forgiven him and therefore I should as well. Forgive and be made a little more whole – situation by situation – remember and forgive.
How can we approach the healing of ongoing hurtful memories?
Remember that God has forgiven us and the person(s) we have yet to forgive on the Cross.
Ask Jesus to go back with you to the memory(ies) and stand there with you. Ask Him to hear the words, feel the hurt, take it upon Himself and replace it with His peace. Ask Jesus to speak the words of forgiveness upon those who have harmed you and ask Him to give you the same words as you recall the times of harm and hurt. Ask Jesus to help you walk out of that memory – to walk out of it into a new day – a new life –a new beginning.
Some of you might be saying that I’ve done that but it still hurts!
Soul healing can be long and difficult; the pains can be so deep that it takes many times of prayer – and for some the pain may always be there to some extent. So what do we do then? Resolve to a life of living crippled? NO. Ask God for the insight and strength to live in Him every day. Recognize that even if the memories still hurt that when we forgive those who have hurt us we actually release any lingering power they have over us. To hold a grudge or hatred against someone actually gives them a lasting power over us.
Forgiving from the heart frees us from any control they situation/hurt has over us. Look: if you’re afraid of authority figures and you think that comes from fear of your mother or father or grandfather and it washes over into your work life – forgive your father, mother or whoever and stand with Christ and let it go. . . . . watch over time how you begin to feel less afraid of authority figures. Many of us have lived crippled for so long that it becomes normal – and to live any other way is fearsome. We have to learn how to live free, healthy and in the Lord. It takes mentoring; resolve to live it – a forgiving heart that lives Free in Christ and calls Him Father and the lover of our souls.
Our personhood isn’t defined by other people – ultimately my Father who created me in my mothers womb created me in His image, for His pleasure, to follow after Him, to know and love Him. I’m Loved and so are you – and with God’s help, and living deeper into His forgiveness of us we can truly forgive from our hearts and feel the release of wholeness come upon us.
I want to take some time right now to pray and ask God to come among us in our memories that remain so painful. Now this might cause some tears. It might make some of us feel very uncomfortable. For some it might bring us extreme joy. Whatever the feelings please express them and know you’re among the people of God – this is a safe place. As we pray – you may see someone needs some comfort and support – quietly go to them and help them. When our pray is finished I will ask God to help each of us forgive and seek forgiveness. Let’s pray . . . . . .
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