Sermon Cloud

How to plan a great marriage without spending any money

Today we're talking about marriage; and I wonder, were the Beatles right, Is love all you need? Or is that just wishful hippie thinking? According to the wedding industry, the Beatles are like so 1967, and you need a lot more than love and a ring to have a great marriage.

And any Bridal magazine will tell you it takes about $28,000 to start an average marriage, and who wants to be average on your wedding day?

Rebecca Mead, One Perfect Day
Catalogues and analyzes the ridiculous world of the bridal industry, the industry that gave us Bridezilla.

We spend $160 billion a year as Americans on wedding, at least according to the salesman. Where does all that money go.

Takes an average of 16 months prepare for a wedding, and the official line from the wedding industry is that the 16 months is "barely enough time to create a perfect version of yourself. If you're gonna be ready to for the big day, you need to start getting facials, manicures, and hair removal treatments right now, not to mention getting on a bridal weight loss plan, a bridal tanning and a wedding financial management plan, which of course includes a variety of home equity mortgage options. Being engaged is all about becoming your "best self", as one wedding planning agency puts it.

Once you've done that legwork, the real wedding preparations can begin: the location, the minister, the caterer, the florist, the photographer, the videographer, the singer, the disk jockey, the printer, the designer, the honeymoon travel agent, the circus clowns, and the amazing four legged man. (all but that last part). Now since you're going to do a lot of running around, several car dealerships are now offering bridal car leasing programs. Now that just if you want the "traditional" wedding.

Some of you will say, well I'm not like that, I'm not going to be a Bridezilla, I don't care for all that vanity, well watch out, because the bridal shop owners already know about you. Meade cited a 2005 issue of Vows Magazine, warns bridal store owners everywhere about the nontraditional bride; she's easy to spot because "she will be more focused on her marriage than her wedding."

According to Mead, most brides and grooms want a traditional wedding, but its kind of hard to know what's traditional these days.
Diamonds? DeBeers family diamond tradition "A diamond is forever" in the 1930's
2 mos salary? (the DeBeers website has a calculator on the website in case you're not sure how to calculate 2 months salary.)
Wedding Dress? Not traditional either.

Getting married is a big deal, Crate & Barrel wants you to know "You marry a store, too!" (at least according to a magazine ad a few years ago)

Some of you have heard of Conde Nast, publisher of 3 large bridal magazines, the president thinks he's definitely in the right industry, b/c today's bride is the ultimate consumer, the drunken sailor. Everyone is trying to get her."

What's left after a great wedding?

I don't want to be cynical, I've got great memories, I get a sentimental, but a great wedding doesn't make marriage.

Today I want to talk about "How to plan a great marriage without spending any money."

What makes a great lasting marriage? Let's ask Percy & Florence Arrowsmith. Percy and Florence met in 1922 at their local church in Hereford, England. Florence was a Sunday school teacher and Percy was singing in the choir. After courting one another for three years, Percy and Florence were married on June 1, 1925 at the church where they met.
They remember that their wedding day was cold, and they had classical music at their wedding. (Incidentally, they don't remember the decorations or the food.)
But on June 1, 2005, Percy and Florence celebrated their 80th anniversary.

They were in the newspaper, on television, b/c everyone was asking: how did you do it. Wow! Looks like you had a match made in heaven? How'd you get so lucky? You must've found your "soul"mate. Must've been a miracle. Marriages don't last 80 years without some serious intervention from God.

ILLUS: asking God about who to marry

The Arrowsmith's will tell you all about how they stayed married:
Florence: "If you've had a quarrel, you make it up - never be afraid to say sorry."
Percy: It is all about hard work. We have had our arguments but we work through them together. If we have a fight, we always make up before we go to bed. We always go to bed as friends."
Florence also adds: "I like sherry and whisky at night time."

A great marriage doesn't take a miracle; its not an act of God when two people stay together for a lifetime; you don't need a match made in heaven, a $28,000 wedding, a great marriage just takes wisdom.

Great marriages are built wisdom
Proverbs 3:19-26 By wisdom the Lord laid the earth's foundations, by understanding he set the heavens in place; by his knowledge the deeps were divided, and the clouds let drop the dew. My son, do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight, preserve sound judgment and discretion; they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble. When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be at your side and keep you from being snared.

So what is wisdom (it's not very spiritual)? Here's what Proverbs tells us: understanding how God made the world (he made women and men different: like your wife may not like it if you stay out all night with your buddies without calling home)
knowledge about God's ways (like God doesn't keep a list of wrong: like the night your husband forgot to call you when he stayed out with his buddies)
sound judgment (like: my wife isn't one of my buddies and she doesn't like it when I pretend that she's one of the guys)
discretion (like the kind it takes not to tell your wife that her new haircut makes her look like one of your buddies)

Wisdom is the foundation of the earth and the foundation of great marriages.
You won't get all the wisdom you need from coming to church. You won't get all the wisdom you need just by reading the Bible. If you want wisdom, you're gonna need to listen to people that have got it: experience, hard knocks, street smarts. You should talk to your parents, and people even older like Percy & Florence. You should read, books on marriage and the Bible. You should talk to God, ask for his guidance.

But at the meager age of 27, with 6 years of marriage behind me, let me offer you some advice. I've counseled couples, I've married a few. I've met with some that are divorcing.
4 Things to Do Before you pop the question

1. Get a Life...get a single life.
I had this friend in college, one of the best guys I know: super intelligent, kind, caring, so attractive my sister Heather loved it when I brought him home on the weekends. But he had a problem, his parents met at Calvin College, and married the day after graduation, and he was a junior without any prospects. So I watched my friend spend 2 long years looking for a girl. At first the standards were high, she has to be dutch: blond-haired, blue-eyed just like his parents wanted. And every time he went home to K-zoo for the weekend, his parents would ask the big question, "so, you found her yet?" Sally VanderDeKlok? She's out there you know, you just need to look harder. It got so bad, that one weekend we resorted to searching through the Names & Faces picture phonebook for any girl that looked dutch and setting him up at random (ok, so that was our idea, not his). But you get the point, for my roommate, his entire single life became all about finding a remedy for his singleness disease.

But you see the problem with that way of living is that singleness isn't really a disease, it's a gift from God.

(I Cor 7:32-35) I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs-how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world-how he can please his wife - and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit.

There is a purpose to singleness, and its not to find a partner. If God hasn't brought a husband or a wife into your life, you have an amazing opportunity to devote your life to God's purposes and become the healthiest person you can. Get a single life!

Now what if you're looking for someone, and they just haven't come along yet? Well, my college roommate got things right after college. He moved out west, way out west to Seattle and started focusing on getting a single life. He found a great job that he loved, got some great hobbies, learned to mountain climb and joined a really great church and got majorly involved. He stopped looking for Mrs. Right and became Mr. Right.

If you're here today and you're single, don't let your life get consumed by the search, don't underestimate the purpose and plan God has for you as a single.

Now if you're already involved with someone (a boy/girlfriend, fiancé) this is even more important, I'll say it again, "Get a single life!"

One of the best ways you can prepare for marriage is by becoming a healthy, God-focused, independent single. If there's no ring on your finger, you're not married! (I had to tell one of our high school students this week, you're not single, "but we've been dating since last summer). If there's no ring, you're still single. Now's the time to focus on becoming healthy: emotionally, financially, socially, spiritually.

One of the saddest things that happens to young singles is serious dating. You've seen the type, maybe you've been in a serious relationship: you've got no friends, just a girlfriend, no hobbies/no personal ministry from God, just a boyfriend, no time or energy to develop a deep relationship with God, no interest in traveling studying abroad, no interest in taking a missions trip, because you can't imagine 6 months without your girlfriend.

I want to say loud and clear this morning, get a single life. The reality is: healthy singles (with great friendships, great ambitions, great callings, great spiritual lives) make really healthy couples, if you want a healthy marriage, get healthy yourself.

2. Do life with the family
I'm always amazed how weddings have a way of bringing the strangest people together: crazy uncles and unruly cousins. Have you been to that wedding?

But no matter how strained your family situation, it's a great thing to have a father ‘give you away' or a mother bless your union. One of things we focus on in premarital counseling here at the Vineyard is getting your parents blessing and input in your marriage. I urge couples wanting to get married: "do everything in your power to seek your parents input, to obtain their permission, their blessing."

Because no matter how healthy or unhealthy your parent's marriage & lifestyle, there's something to learn from their legacy; there is something to gain from having their support.

If you're a young person here today, you need to know that there's nothing quite as foolish as saying, "My parents don't know anything about my life; I'm nothing like my mother, I'll never be like my dad, I'll never make the mistakes they've made."

Here's what the wisest man in recorded history wrote in Proverbs 30:17
"The eye that mocks a father, that scorns an aged mother, will be pecked out by the ravens of the valley, will be eaten by the vultures. OUCH!

What's with the harsh words?!
He wasn't saying to pretend that your parents always get it right. If you're parents are foolish, sick, dangerous, Solomon wasn't suggesting that you ignore that. But I think Solomon knew that most of us have parents that are human, and because we're young, we like to pretend that we'll never be like them, that they really don't have anything to teach us. And so Solomon would say, if you've written off your parents, if you've decided that you don't have anything to learn, watch out!

Let me confront a couple major myths in our culture:
1) The first, that Romeo and Juliet is a happy story. We've got this idea that when two people meet, fall in love, and marry without their parents consent, that that's the most romantic way to fall in love. But let me remind you, it's a tragedy, Romeo and Juliet is romantic, but it's still a tragedy. It's a tragedy when two people have to do life without a family.

Parents and in-laws that support, encourage, give are one of life's greatest gifts. If you want your parents to walk you down the aisle, give their blessing, and help you when you're in a jam, do life with the family now. Do everything you can to include them now now.

If you want to get off to a great start with your in-laws, take them out to lunch and ask them what they think of your relationship. Ask them what they think of your job...etc.

There's a second way you can do life as a family: make the church your family. The church was designed to run like a big overgrown family.

Here's what the Apostle Paul said to Timothy (1 Tim 5:1-2) Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity."

If you're preparing for marriage, one of the best things you can is find an older couple at the church to talk with, pray with, seek advice from. If you're sitting next to a boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancé today, give them a little elbow and ask, "do we have a set of parents in the Christian family?"

You notice this isn't just about parents: Paul wants us to live like we're all family: all the women here are sisters, men are brothers. Jesus said the same thing, all those who follow him are brothers and sisters. And here's a big secret for those of you that are dating, you're dating a sister! You're dating a brother! You better watch how you treat her.

(Youth group, what's with that how I'm supposed to find a girlfriend if I'm supposed to treat them all like sisters?)

If you can't learn to treat women like sisters, you'll never know how to love a wife. If you can't treat a man like a brother...

I think our whole system of dating is broken. Our culture's way of dating
has a way of turning good guys, good girls into redneck bowhunters. Yeah, redneck bowhunters.

Look at that fine looking piece of meat, Jed? Yeah, Leroy, she's purty. ‘Dem are some fine antlers! Don't scare her though, you gotta sneak up on her, all sophisticated like, don't want her to know you fixin' gun ‘er down.

The dating scene is all about getting what you want, what's best for you, getting your needs met. And a lot of people carry that approach to marriage, and then they carry that approach to divorce court.

You see, family love is built on a whole other principle: sacrifice (what's best for you, what's best for your future, asking how can I protect your needs).
Married love is lot more like loving a brother than it is loving a boyfriend.

If you can learn to treat a woman like a sister (protecting her heart, guarding her sexuality, protecting her spiritual/emotional life, sacrificing to give her the best life), you'll make a great husband. Women, if you can learn to treat a man like a brother (looking out for him, protecting his eyes, guarding his heart), you'll make an amazing wife

If you want to get ready for marriage:
3. Practice Self-Sacrifice

Marriage takes a lot of sacrifice. Saying no to what you want, compromising on your dreams to give someone else the life of their dreams.

Small Things: dog & cat
Medium things: vacation in the mountains or at the beach
BIG THINGS: moving away from my parents for your job, turning down a promotion at work to keep your marriage/family first

Practice putting the needs of that special girl/guy ahead of your own. Practice saying no to what you want for the good of someone else.

Cultural vs. Christ
I know this goes against all pop culture, everything you've seen on the Real World, and our culture has an altogether backward picture of love. We live in a culture of self-gratifcation. When our culture paints a picture of love, it gives us two beautiful people on the silver screen in a passionate self-gratifying embrace (cue the orchestra), but when God paints a picture of true love do know what he gives us? A half-dead, nacked, bleeding man dying man on a cross.

Phillipians verse

If you want to build a foundation for a great marriage, learn to love Jesus' way. Learn to say no to easy gratification, learn to love someone more than yourself. Real love is not demonstrated by your passion in the backseat. Real love is demonstrated by you ability to say no to what you want for what's best for a sister or a brother.

If you're looking for someone, look for a guy that treats you like his sister. Look for a girl that looks out for you the way you'd look out for a younger brother.

BIGGEST SACRIFICE you'll have to make when dating
BALANCE COMMMITMENT AND INTIMACY
Sacrifice being intimate until your ready for commitment.

Have you heard of the pseudo-marriage? I know a lot of young couples, I was one of them, that thought that as long as I didn't have sex, all the other intimacy of marriage was fair game. We took vacations together, we celebrated anniversaries, we bought each other gifts, and wrote the sappiest of lovenotes. We got involved with each other's families, and we prayed together and cried together. And somehow, we thought that after doing all that, we could somehow maintain the self-control to wait on sex.

And then we wonder why breaking up is hard to do. We've had a pseudo-marriage and a pseudo-divorce.

Balance intimacy and commitment

Some of us are involved in deeply-intimate relationship, but we're not ready to tie the knot. You're getting everything you want out of a relationship, but your girlfriend or boyfriend is hanging on waiting for you to buy a ring. Let me ask you today, why are you leaving yourself an out? Why are you making them wait? Is that what's best for them. Would you want someone to do that to your sister/brother?

Maybe hearing this talk has you worried today, the youth group kids were pretty worried after I shared this with them.

Here's what they said:
How will I ever find a partner if I don't play the field?

How will I ever know if we're right for each other if I don't take her for a test drive? (or move in together)

How will I ever know how to be married if I don't get some practice with my boyfriend?

How will I ever find a partner if I wait for a Christian guy/girl?

4. Seek first God's kingdom and righteousness
Matthew 6:33

Setting your course toward God is the shortest route to the life you want. Doing life God's way really is the shortest path toward the life you want.
Putting God's priorities first really is the best long-term plan.

ILLUS: How do I know when someone is right for me?
The Bible pictures Christian life as a race: running toward God, his plan
And a lot of time, dating causes us to look over our shoulder. Slow down to make pace with someone else, or just run in the wrong direction.
As you keep your sights fixed on God, running as fast as you can, you just might start to notice someone running about the same speed as you, in the same direction. And when you notice someone running the race near you, in similar stride, you've probably found a pretty good match.

You really can trust God with your life; are you willing to?

Today that might mean giving up on dating as you've known it. It might mean getting out of an unhealthy relationship. Or deciding to make a commitment to someone you're involved in.

If you're a parent, it might be time to have a talk with your son or daughter.