Sermon Cloud

Victorious Secrets logo  Proverbs 5 

            Pretty graphic description of what happens when a person is untrue to their spouse.  When you read about this description, you think “why would anyone do that.”  And no one plans to do that.  There might be some wacked out exceptions, but no one stands before their family and friends, making vows to God and their spouse with the intent of breaking those vows.  At that heightened emotional state of a wedding / honeymoon it seems impossible that you’d ever even be tempted by another person.  But it happens, it just happens.

            “I didn’t plan to get sexually involved with my coworker, it just happened.”  “I didn’t intend to get so emotionally wrapped up with the guy from church, it just happened.”  Here’s the thing, affairs don’t just happen.  No on spontaneously jumps into bed with another person, or leaves their family for another person.  The final result is catastrophic and explosive, but there’s always a buildup before the actual explosion. 

            Before the explosion happened, there had to be a mixing of chemicals.  It starts with a casual relationship; at work, school, neighborhood, even church.  You eventually notice, “I’m attracted to this person.”  Attraction is natural, there’s nothing wrong with being attracted to another person.  But the chemicals start to mix more when the co-workers talk about their marital struggles over break.  Or after the workday.  Or having emotionally charged chat sessions online and you delete so your spouse won’t know.  The sharing of problems, the giving of support, the mixing of chemicals.  It all leads to the explosion.  But it never just happened. 

            Dr. Kevin Lehman, the marriage therapist I quoted last week as well, says there are two ingredients to every affair.  Disillusionment and License

Disillusionment  

            Before marriage, we have this very idealistic view of what it will be like.  Constant romance, never ending passion, constant sexual bliss.  All of these amazing feelings for the rest of our lives.  As we discussed at the beginning of this series, this idea is perpetuated by Holllywood.  If we can just find “the one” we’ll be eternally happy.  “The one” will fulfill our every need.

            But that doesn’t happen.  We realize the other person is fallible.  Hollywood would say we got the wrong person and need to start over.  Even if we don’t buy that, we still might wonder whether we made a mistake.  And you add to all of that work, kids, the business of life and couples find themselves growing further a part. 

            This disillusionment leads to…

License

“I deserve better.”  When you feel like life or marriage isn’t working out the way it should, the “I deserves” sneak in.  The person starts believing they actually have the right to this dangerous relationship. 

Here are some warning signs that mean you’re moving in the wrong direction.  That you’re mixing some dangerous chemicals.

You have a major need your spouse isn’t meeting  We’ll talk more about this later

If you find it easier to unwind with someone other than your spouse, debriefing each other on your day

You find yourself talking about family / marriage problems with that person

You find yourself rationalizing the relationship “I deserve someone I can talk with”
You look forward to being with that person more than your spouse

You wonder if you could make it without that person

You begin hiding that relationship from your spouse  There can’t be any secrets in your marriage.  Have a “no secrets” policy in your marriage.  If you keep little secrets, it becomes easier to keep big secrets.  Secrets drive away intimacy.  But the reverse is also true, intimacy drives away secrets. 

            Willard Harley wrote a book, His Needs, Her Needs: Affair proofing your marriage.  Great book to prepare for this message.  The main idea of that book is that each person has a love bank.  When your spouse meets one of your needs, they make a deposit in your love bank.  Pleasurable interactions cause deposits, painful interactions cause withdrawals.  We fall in love with the person that puts the largest amounts of deposits into our love bank.  Golden Rule of marriage:  Meet your spouse’s needs as you would want your spouse to meet yours.  But what happens when we stop making deposits?  Or if we’re drawing out more than we’re putting in.  Well, the other person becomes tempted to look to a person outside of their marriage to meet that need.  A coworker listens better than your husband, they’re meeting a need that should be met by your husband, that’s leading somewhere you don’t want to go.  But if you’re turning to a friend of the same sex or a family member to meet a need your spouse is abdicating, that’s still not healthy for your marriage. 

            Of course, nothing is guaranteed, but if you’re taking care of the other person’s needs, they’re much less likely to stray.  But don’t take that thinking too far.  Even if your spouse is completely rejecting your every need, that’s no excuse to cheat on them.  That’s when you love with a sacrificial love.

            According to Harley’s research, the number 1 need of most wives is 1) Affection.  Affection is touch that’s not going anywhere.  When a husband shows affection to his wife, he sends the following message:

1 – I’ll take care of you and protect you.  You are important to me, and I don’t want anything to happen to you.

2 – I’m concerned about the problems you face and I am with you.

3 – I think you’ve done a good job, and I’m so proud of you.

A hug can say all of those things.

Affection doesn’t come naturally to men, but you can learn affectionate habits. 

These habits aren’t motivated by your need but by your desire to meet your wife’s need.

Habits for being an affectionate husband

Hug and kiss your wife every morning while you are still in bed.

Hold her hand when you’re walking together. 

Tell her that you love here while you’re having breakfast together.

Kiss her before you leave for work.

Call her during the day to see how she’s doing.

Bring her flowers once in a while as a surprise.

After work, call her before you leave for home, so that she can know when to expect you.

When you arrive home from work, give her a hug and kiss and spend a few minutes talking to her about how her day went.

Help with dishes after dinner.

Hug and kiss her every night, before you both go to sleep.

A man’s #1 need – 1) Sexual Fulfillment  I’ll bet none of you saw that coming. 

            The typical wife doesn’t understand her husband’s deep need for sex any more than the typical husband understands his wife’s deep need for affection.  Most women equate relational success through emotional oneness, most men through physical oneness.  If a wife ignores her husbands sexual needs, she’s tearing at his very identity.  But what’s worse, is to simply tolerate it with a cold indifference; you’re cutting out his heart.  But before you husbands think, “yeah, preach it!”  Let me remind you that when it comes to sex and affection, you can’t have one without the other.  Sex is an event, while affection is the overall environment of the marriage. 

            I hope this scenario isn’t common, but it likely happens.  Husband and wife both get home from work, or maybe the wife has been working at home all day.  Kids are screaming, dogs are crapping all over the house, she’s trying to make dinner and you’re watching Sportscenter.  After dinner, you watch TV while she cleans up, helps the kids with homework, gives the kids a bath, then comes to bed.  Suddenly, you’ve got needs.  NO, it doesn’t work that way.  Lovemaking begins in the kitchen, not the bedroom.  And if you’re just helping to get some, she can sense that, too. 

            But even in an affectionate marriage, there are times when the husband is ready but the wife just isn’t.  Wives, instead of shutting him off with, “not tonight, I have a headache.”  Instead, try this.  “I’m not feeling so great tonight.  But let’s plan for tomorrow night.  We’ll get the kids to bed early, have a late dinner just the two of us and spend the evening together.”  Now what’s he thinking about all the next day?  Yeah, you guessed it.  And so is she, planning on showing love to her husband.  Let me just say, “spontaneity is way overrated.”  Maybe a few times a year you get swept away.  But romance has to be intentionally nurtured.  Husbands, keep doing the things that won your wife’s heart in the first place.  Never stop dating your wife, asking her out on dates!  Real life necessitates a planning to romance and lovemaking.  A movie on the couch once a month or lovemaking only after the 10:30 news on a Friday night, just isn’t going to cut it.  We’re told in this passage to be intentional, Proverbs 5:15-19.

            Look at what Paul wrote, 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.  When you get married, your body is no longer your own.  In giving your marriage vows, you gave your body to your spouse.  And Paul is going against the cultural norm here.  In Paul’s day, women were basically property.  But Paul is saying you belong to each other.  .  It’s a mutual belonging.   If you agree to be a part for a time, whatever reason, sickness, prayer, etc, then agree to keep that time limited, so you won’t be tempted. 

            If marriage partners are getting sexual attention and romantic affection, they’re less likely to stray into an affair.  It’s biblical!

            Real quickly, here are the other needs for women:

            2)  Conversation   3)  Honesty and Openness  4)  Financial Support  5)  Good Father

Men:  2)  Recreational Companionship  3) An Attractive Spouse  4) Domestic Support  5) Admiration   

            Homework assignment: - discuss your needs.  I’d also encourage you to pick up the book.

            What about when your needs aren’t being met?  How do you continue to love in a Christ-like way?  How do you hang onto the marriage, if that’s what it takes for awhile.  Let me share with you two biblical ideas.

            1) Be patient with your spouse  1 Thessalonians 5:14-15  Patience is a necessity.  Why?  Because every married couple is going to experience letdown and disappointment.  But when you’re committed to the life-long journey, you can be patient with the process. 

            2) Beware of bitterness  Ephesians 4:26, 29  Keep short accounts!  Ask forgiveness when you fail.  And you will fail.  We all mess up in our relationship.  We do a lot of stupid little things and we even, over a lifetime, do a few HUGELY stupid things.  Randy Beckum prayed at our wedding, I can still remember him praying that we’d remember the 9 most important words in any marriage, “I was wrong, I am sorry, please forgive me.”  I had a counseling professor say something at a class in seminary I haven’t been able to forget (and I’ve forgotten most of what I heard in class).  He said that it’s easier for a couple to get over an affair than 25 years of cold indifference. 

            When we take communion in a few minutes, maybe you need to ask forgiveness of your spouse?  Maybe you need God’s power to extend grace and forgiveness? 

            The biblical expectation for marriage is laid out for us in Ephesians 5.  In that chapter, Paul tells us that we’re to lay down our lives for our spouse just as Christ gave up his life for us on the cross. 

            What if you asked a guy, “would you die for your wife?”  EVERY guy would puff out his chest and declare, “You’d better believe I would.”  Well, scripture calls us to die for our spouse.  Not physically, but through serving them.  It’s not the big heroic death.  I think of it more like a death by paper cut.  Every single day we choose to die to our own wants and needs, so we can serve our spouse. 

            All of this is symbolized and celebrated in communion…

            Before we’re able to lay down our lives for others, we must first lay down our life for Jesus.  If you’re ready to live for him, I invite you to receive the elements.